surgery

My mother, who is even older than I am, is having surgery tomorrow for colon cancer. I think it is really difficult to deal with something over which I have so little control. I have no control about getting news from my sister about what is happening. I want things to be OK. I did not have a very good childhood. At times it is funny how bad it was. I am surprised how hard it is to face tomorrow. I am afraid of what is going to happen to my mother. She is almost 90. There is no way for her to die young. I just don't want her to be afraid, or suffer. I wish I could do something to help. Of course there is nothing I can do. I have people praying for her. That is the best I can do.

Suddenly it is very warm and beautiful. It seems like we have gone from winter straight into summer. I would like some chilly and sunny spring. I think I am out of luck. I am increasingly sad to think how much all the children in my life have grown up. Good thing I have a grandson. It is such a reminder of new life and renewal. I think that kind of thought is important in a world that seems obsessed with things that seem limiting and competitive.
It is good to think that there can be a kind of renewal for those of us who didn't die young(not that we are old). I guess we have to find our joy in the dreams of our new ones, like Jasper(who has not communicated them totally, but I believe his dreams include having his own computer and being just like his daddy.)
I think it is really good to think of what I am grateful for before I just stop noticing how lucky I am. there are so many people I love. I hope they know how much they mean to me. I wonder if I express my joy in knowing them enough. Who really knows? Maybe love is something that travels to people without words needing to be spoken. Anyway, I love you guys.

Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today will be a good day!
I need all the encouragement I can give myself. My favorite aunt died. My amazing mother-in law has stage four breast cancer. She is the best, kindest, sweetest mother-in-law anyone ever had. I am trying to find the best way to support her. Now my mother has colon cancer. OK, none of that is actually happening to me, but I am feeling kind of overwhelmed anyway. In all this I feel so powerless. I think the best thing to do is to concentrate on thinking about my grandson. Jasper is such a ray of hope and joy.
Wait a minute, my son is also a ray of joy and so is my sister. Cup half full, cup half empty. Decide! I think more sleep would help me make a better decision. I wish I could think of a good joke to tell myself. I will work on it.

Today Taffy and I went for the short walk. We have the best neighborhood. People are friendly and lots of them walk through the neighborhood. My feet have blisters from bad socks so we had to do the 35 min. walk. The 50 min walk is more fun. I planted strawberries and lettuce and sugar snap peas. It may be too warm already, but I am trying. We planted tomatoes Sunday. We have a gopher problem and have to figure out containers. Today has been wonderful.

This Tuesday feels like a Monday. Two days and I am already behind, oh no! It is good to be random and old since it means that no one else is keeping track, well, maybe the dog. We missed yesterday's walk. She seemed disappointed in me. Today is rather warm. We will wait for later.
I just spent a couple hours with some preschoolers. They are very basic. Snacks and play. The biggest problem is an occasional sharing glitch. I have those myself. It is fun when so much is new in their world.
Yesterday I spent a few hours with an 18 month old. What a sweety. It was really fun, but it made me kind of sad that my grandson lives so far away. I love watching little ones discover their world. It makes it new for me.
Morgan, this is for you. I met your father a couple years before you were born. I started going to Pierce College, or as we liked to call it, PU. I joined the marching band, being very much into music. I played flute. Your father played french horn in the band. His main instrument was cello, but they just don't work in marching band. Your dad had already flunked out of one of the Oregon universities. Your dad started a relationship with me. We had a lot of classes together in the music department. I loved listening to your dad play the cello. We went to school for a while. I had to support myself in an apartment and had some health issues so I had to drop out. Working was as much as I could handle. Your dad started living with me before we got married. I don't remember why your dad stopped going to college. I worry that it was my fault. He had potential. I don't think he realized it. I became less enthusiastic when he went behind my back with a violin player. Eventually we decided to get married because we wanted you! Somewhere in your early life your dad went into the Air Force because he was about to be drafted. You know, Vietnam and all that. He was sure they would teach him air conditioning, but instead they taught him bomb loading. He got an early out and never went overseas. We were probably too young to get married. I did have a great time while it lasted. Your dad was fun most of the time. I still love him, at least, who he used to be. He was really good at mechanical things. He could take pretty much anything apart and put it back together. He had really good values at the time as well. I think he lost some of it because he felt he was getting no where. We didn't know how to talk about things. It would have helped if we just talked about what we wanted and how we could get there. I know many things that might have helped, now, when it is way too late.

I was talking to Taffy. She says that I was whining on the blog and that is bad manners. OK Taffy, No more Whining, even though with no followers I should be immune to social rules.
Today we did the CROP walk to raise money to fight hunger. The day was so sunny and beautiful it was a pleasure to walk. I must get better socks if I am going to be doing longer walks. It is wrong to get blisters from the wrong socks. I was walking near the young people. It is so much fun to watch them clown around and get cars to wave. We forgot to bring Taffy, and now she is suffering from lackawalky.
I started to watch the news. There was another shooting and they want people to call with information. I turned the news off. I feel kind of guilty when I don't give information, but I was really far from where it happened. I already had to cancel my nonexistent plans for Mexico because of the drug shootings. I just can't take anymore helpful news.
I am not enjoying day light savings. I am too old to spring forward. I am to the dragging along age. We did plant tomatoes. We hope for too many tomatoes this year. I need to get peas and strawberries before it gets too warm. I usually wait too long and have trouble getting everything in in time for crops.
I must say, I am in a much better mood today. I am so glad that grumpy mood didn't last long. Time to go and see if Taffy will settle for a short walk. It is just sad when the dog is your best friend.

attitude adjustment

Taffy and I just went for a walk. I have to leave when the lawn is mowed because if it smells good I am allergic to it. I really needed an attitude adjustment anyway. It is hard to feel out of control. I still want to be the center of my little world, no matter how small it is. Being ignored should be nothing, but it really annoys me. Back to the walk, which should be a great attitude adjuster... The neighborhood is beautiful. There are tons of flowers blooming and butterflies and all kinds of wonderful things. I walked for almost an hour without having my feet hurt and I got no blisters. What will it take for me to be happy? Taffy goes wherever I want even when she thinks I am going the wrong way. What a great day! Some people are never satisfied. Added to that, my blog looks awesome. It looks professional. Life is good.

Hello followers

Hi everyone,
I am wondering what goes on in the mind of an old lady. I am worried that it might just be boring. I don't think it is necessary to stick to reality at this stage of life. I have had enough reality. There are some things I know for certain. If the government denies something it is an indication that it is true. The government isn't worried about the actual truth, just image. We are not supposed to know what is really happening. For example, we do not acknowledge the homeless people. That is a problem for third world countries and we are not quite there yet, though we seem to be working on it. Oh no, this is not fun. It can not really exist. I must go to the store and find some purple clothes to go with my red hat.
I live in a house with a dog, a cat, a chinchilla, a large number of feeder fish, (who will never be fed to anything, we got them to keep the frogs company), four rabbits and two chickens. The children have parents oddly enough.
I am significant because I have a grandson. I have the best grandson anywhere. His name is Jasper. He is the first Jasper I have ever known. He is a very happy boy so far. He lives too far away, but that doesn't stop me from meddling. As soon as he is a little bit older, I will start to spoil him.
I have allowed myself to get in a bit of a rut and am hoping this will help me bore myself to take action.
Go Old Lady. Express your randomness.