I haven't posted a thing for a while. While I was slacking, my mom died. It was a process that brought me together with my brother and sisters in a whole new way. I ended up getting pictures of my brother's grandchildren, as did my mother. We all sent pictures and called and talked.
I learned a few things from the experience with my mother's death. It is really important to have that difficult conversation and to forgive and let go. when someone is dying it is good to foster as much peace and love as can be. It is easier than holding on to hard feelings or resentments. The forgiveness needs to extend to ones self and siblings. In the end the conversation is just, "I love you." It was the last chance to say it.
One conversation I had was to tell her my favorite childhood memories. I told her how much fun it was when she made bread and gave us each a piece of dough. Sometimes we shaped it and she cooked it. Sometimes we ate it before it was cooked. She was happy then. I thanked her for making all the flour and water paste so we could stick paper together. I reminded her of how happy she was when she sat and played piano. It made me happy to hear her.
I never had time to talk about going to Grandpa's cabin up north. We had so awesome summers. We would spend whole days playing in the woods. There was a creek running through the property that had frogs and things. The redwoods were so beautiful. Next door there was a farm with cows and chickens, and sometimes, turkeys. We got to milk a cow and we helped herd them at milking time. These were the most enchanted times in my life. Every summer I would get a terrible case of poison oak. I was warned not to pet Coco, the dog who ran through the poison oak. I could not resist. Coco was wonderful and we had no dog. My eyes would end up swollen shut, but it was worth it.
My mother made things. She would knit, crochet, needle point. She did some lovely work. I have some of it to remember her by. I also have a sister who talks to me about our past and our now as we are not young. It is so good to share things with someone else. I am blessed.
My greatest blessing is Jasper, my grandson. I hear his voice often on the phone. I get to see him from time to time as well. He is a happy boy with the best parents a grandmother could hope to watch. It is such a joy to watch that family together.
It has been a good thing to become aware of my limitations. It is making me a bit nicer to others. I just wish I didn't have such a long list of things at which I have failed. I can look at my wonderful son and feel that something went well. I know I need to find a more accepting way to look at existence.
